Aaaah, stupid stupid stupid. D made me the sweetest video for valentines day and I have nothing at all for him.  Seriously it was so sweet. He says he loves me. Can you be in love over the internet? Whatever it is, it's a connection like we've never had before. I just have to think of something I can do for him before...tomorrow. How long does it take for stuff to get from MI to AZ? :P Haha

It's L's birthday today, I hate that it's the day before Valentines day. I got him Across The Universe which we watched yesterday because I have class all day today  and wanted to watch it too. He was excited that he got it . I got him a big big big  box of chocolates because I've never given anyone chocolates for Valentines Day and I think it's funny. He may or may not see the humor in it.

So this weekend is the Spice Girls Concert! I am way more excited than perhaps a 20 year old should be but I don't care. Pure fun with my two best friends? I think that calls for a good time! :)

I am filling out camp applications this weekend if it kills me. I need need need to get them in if I want to spend my summer away from Michigan. I am so excited at the prospect of maybe being close to D that it's driving me crazyyy :P

For Spring Break KK, S and I may be driving around the midwest looking at grad schools. I am semi-excited but I almost want to say screw it and sleep for the whole time. My sleeping patterns are so off lately that waking up today for 8AM anatomy was torture. L goes to bed so early, but D is in a different time zone which makes it hard.

Shay apparently looks really pregnant, but it has been so long (almost 6 years) since I have watched someone grow pregnant that I don't know what she is supposed to look like at 25 weeks. The baby is breeched, so I am keeping it in my prayers that he turns, she is not excited at the prospect of a possible C-Section. To be honest, I wouldn't either.

The more I think about it, the more I really just want to adopt babies. I know, I know having your own is important and blah blah carry on your genes..but I have a brother and sister that are doing that. When I was young I watched a special on homosexuals adopting and I realized that adopting is for me. (I'm not homosexual, it just helped me realized adoption is important.) I have the hardest time justifying myself bringing my own children into this world when there are so many out there without anyone to love them. And that's all I really want to do..love them. But not till after grad school. :P

I'm off.

  

Comment and I'll give you a letter; then you have to list 10 things you love that begin with that letter. Afterward, post this in your journal and give out some letters of your own.

blur_kiwi gave me B.

In no particular order...

*Babies
*Baskin Robbins
*Belgian Waffles
*Bubble Wrap
*Broomball
*Ballet
*Books
*Basking (In the sun preferably)
*Bike Rides
*Beauty and the Beast

Woohoo

Ugh so I got my anatomy test grade and it is a B. I should be jumping for joy but 12 hours of studying should merit an A right? I wish that people didn't think I was so smart so I wouldn't have to pretend like I am. Life would be better if more people..especially my family..realize that I am average and then I could be alright with being average.

I got a B+ on my Articulation test too..what gives? Am I just incapable of A's this semester?

Tonight I am going with KK. to make Valentines for veterans. Probably one of my favorite activities of the year because I just imagine the lonely old man opening his card and knowing that somebody somewhere is thinking of him on Valentines Day.
Such a commercial holiday, yet I still got L something lamee. I know he'll get me something so that's why.

I couldn't decide if I should send D something or not. I mean I know we like each other, but neither of us has sent anything so I don't know what he would think. Also he has never directly given me his address, just documents with his address on them for me to proofread. I found a cute card that way reminds me of him and SS says I should send him cookies but I don't know. Arg, why is it only two days away?

My cousin is back in Afghanistan and it just hurts my heart to think about. It also for some reason hurts my heart that he spends so much time with Lin's family. I mean, I know her family is important, but what about his own? He is in the States for the first time in a year and spends most his time with her family and I find that really sad. I hope he makes it home okay. Everytime I see something about someone dying over there it turns my stomach. He is so close to all of the action.

Ugh I am such a bad best buddy. I feel like I wont be invited back next year, but it's hard when Ka lives so far away. It sucks not having a car, but it looks like after the summer I might have one, so if I am allowed to come back we will have a lot of fun. It's also hard cause we didn't really click. Like after the mixer I had no clue who she even was, which is awful but true.

I have to go work now, and I kinda dislike the ladies that are there. Sometimes they are so personable other times they treat me like I'm stupid.. I'm pretty sure that as a 20 year old I know how to cut lettuce and use a can opener...thanks.

Out for now.

 This is my first entry of what I hope will be many.

I am really torn inside lately. There is this will inside of me that makes me want to start everything over..just press the reset button. I know that people have relationships far longer than the 2.5 year one I have now, but the thought of it ending seems to break my heart. The question is, does it break my heart because I am in it to win it or because I know it will break L's? I don't feel like I used to, and part of this is because of what happened last semester. When somebody removes every ounce of emotion the have from you, and as your significant other and living partner barely talks to you let alone touches you..it takes a toll. I don't know what to do. I do know that as we are living together, I will not be ending it soon. Maybe it is good that I am spending the summer away..I think it will really help me evaluate what I want.

In addition to this there is D. I don't even know what to say most times about him except for the fact that he is wonderful. It would break my heart if he found out about L, and I don't know why I am doing this. It's not cheating if we've never met right? I mean it's not like he thinks of me as his girlfriend or at least I don't think he does. He avoids the question every time it comes up. Even though we haven't met, everything about him is just so...aaah drives me crazy. I have never felt like this before, and I am afraid to let it pass me by.

But do I really want to be THAT girl? The one that leaves someone for an internet based relationship and gets scoffed and laughed at in return.  The possibility of D being THE ONE for me makes it worth it I think. Most of the time though, I have no clue what to do. I mean he does like a billion miles away, but grad school is in only one year and then I can go where I want. He has already joked about me going there, and I like that. :)

Maybe it's not fair to either of them and I should be by myself. The life of a single girl doesn't sound so bad...

This would be a whole lot easier if I had someone to talk to about it. If I told someone though, someone would find out..whether it be L or D or both. Then I am screwed.

Aaah Life.

In other news, I am losing weight and feeling good about myself. I will be back into bikini shape in no time! I am excited at the prospect of being somewhere beachy for the summer, I just need to look beachy myself.

School is going at least. This anatomy class is the bane of my existance right now, and really it's just because I want to prove to people that I am smart. Especially K and S. It's crazy how competitive our field is and I just got an 88 on a test and think that they are gonna kinda smirk when they see that. Hmph.

Sis is getting way pregnant. I talk a lot of crap about her but it's mostly because I wish I were as brave as she is. She does what she does and will not take crap from anyone. I take crap from everyone including her. I wish I were more like her a lot of the time, although I do have more friends than her.

Anyways, till next time.